The life of each person is filled to various degrees with joyful and tragic events. With the expression of emotions, understanding and perception of happy holidays and positive life situations, the majority have no difficulties. But at the same time, it may be difficult for some to find a few sincere words of condolences for a colleague, friend or family member.
Psychological moment in expressing sympathy
An accidentally expressed tactless or inappropriate expression can unbalance a person who has recently experienced a tragic loss. Most often, people at such a moment are overwhelmed with unbearable pain and emotionally unstable. It must always take some time for a person to accept this pain, to be able to control it and come to terms with the event.
Some require peace and solitude for a certain period, while others need sincere condolences for their loss. Many of the survivors of such grief begin to sharply feel the falsity and pretense of sympathizers, so it is worth behaving as tactfully as possible and not say too much.
The essence of condolences
To this day, the phrase “accept our sincere condolences” remains universal, it is quite suitable for expressing grief for any occasion. Of course, even such a general and short phrase (as well as any other one) should be said without fail absolutely sincerely. The word "condolence" itself can be read as "co-illness" or "joint illness."
Similarly with empathy, that is, a shared feeling. The meaning of condolences is to formally, as it were, share the grief with the grieving and to shoulder some of his pain and suffering on his own shoulders. A more general meaning also implies the provision of any feasible help to a person in order to somehow reduce his suffering. In many cultures it is believed that actions speak much more words - this unwritten rule applies to this situation as well as possible.
What should be considered when sympathizing with the mourner?
In addition to sincerity, it is worth preparing to be patient, restrained and attentive to the person who suffered the loss. In some cases, it is better to maintain a delicate silence than to climb through with words of comfort. Even after bringing the most sincere condolences to the mourner, it will never be superfluous to ask him if he needs any help, and by his appearance to demonstrate complete readiness to provide the necessary support in difficult times.
Words spoken from the heart can become a real balm for the soul for relatives and friends of the deceased. A few high-sounding phrases uttered only for the sake of decency - only to insult those present.
Condolences Form
Depending on certain circumstances, relations with grieving people and the general nature of the event, a person expresses sincere condolences in various forms. Examples of forms of condolences include:
- obituaries in newspaper columns;
- official collective or personal condolences;
- making mourning speech or a few words at a funeral;
- mourning speech on a specific occasion, such as an anniversary or 9 days from the day of the tragedy;
- individual condolences to the relatives and friends of the deceased.
It is worth noting that the poetic form is more suitable for the written form of expressing sorrow, and prose is appropriate both in written and in verbal condolences.
Condolences
The modern world involves a slightly expanded number of communication options for condolences. Telegrams in the mail that were ubiquitous just 30 years ago were now replaced by messengers, social networks and video chats. Even e-mail perfectly replaces (at least in delivery speed and convenience) outdated mail.
Sometimes just one SMS with the text “accept my sincere condolences, be strong”. Nevertheless, sending such messages is recommended only if only a formal relationship or distant acquaintance is associated with the mourner.
Social Networks and Condolences
The pages of deceased people on social networks like VK have often been used as original places for condolences. Often you can see messages like “Accept my sincere condolences, hold on” on the wall of such an account. Sometimes relatives or friends of the deceased person are taken to continue on the page, periodically updating statuses and responding to users private messages.
How ethical all this is is the subject of ongoing debate. It is generally accepted that relatives themselves have the right to decide whether they need to delete the page of the deceased. In addition, it is just relatives who can contact the administration of a social network with a request to delete such an account. To do this, they will also need to provide scans or photographs of documents confirming death.
Interestingly, in addition to accounts, it is customary to create entire groups in memory of any tragic events with mass casualties, whether it be terrorist attacks, catastrophes or natural disasters. Everyone wishes to discuss the tragedy and bring their condolences on the walls of such groups.
What to look for when you offer condolences?
It is better to write the text of a speech or a letter of condolences for relatives and dearest people in your own words, you do not need to use a lot of template and on-duty wording. Oral mournful speech should not be too lengthy, although the phrase “accept our sincere condolences” will be clearly not enough for a full speech.
Formal condolences are usually done in writing, where it is appropriate to use a poetic syllable, designed in conjunction with several photographs of the deceased. An insightful poem can be taken from famous authors. If you wish, you can, of course, write your own poems, but they must be sustained in style and appropriate in content so as not to offend the memory of a departed person.
His personal condolences are encouraged both in written and oral form. The only requirement is exclusivity; you should not take the first text that appears on the Web. At least it’s worth at least making your own edits and adding to it. It is advisable to recall the distinctive features of the character of the deceased, to emphasize his merits like honesty, wisdom, responsiveness, kindness, optimism, hard work or love of life.
Universal template phrases
For condolences, there are a number of established phrases and expressions:
- “We all grieve over your irreparable loss.”
- “Accept our sincere condolences.”
- “We will keep a bright memory in the heart of a wonderful man untimely leaving us.”
- "We sincerely sympathize and condole your grief."
In the future, you can offer all possible assistance in financial terms or organizing related events with the following phrases:
- “You can count on us to provide any assistance. We will help you cope with all upcoming issues. ”
- “We will help you survive this grief, support you and provide the necessary assistance to your family.”
If the deceased was a believing Orthodox Christian during his lifetime, then it would be absolutely appropriate to add the following expressions to the mournful speech:
- "God rest his soul, forgive all sins and grant a place in your kingdom!"
- "The kingdom of heaven and everlasting peace!".
- "God is merciful" and others.
Common Mistakes in Condolences
At times, words of comfort can only bring more pain when people make very common mistakes in compiling verbal and written condolences. The most acute stage of suffering for relatives and relatives normally lasts from 9 to 40 days. It is during this period that you need to be extremely careful and attentive to your own words.
If the phrase "accept our sincere condolences" is very general and neutral-positive in nature, then a number of other expressions are simply not valid for cases of loss of a dear person. An example is the phrase “you are pretty (pretty) and you will also definitely marry (marry)”, said to the widow or widower, respectively. It is equally tactless to say “do not worry, give birth” to the parents of the deceased child. The general rule to prohibit such phrases says that the future cannot be “comforted” by a grieving person who has survived the terrible loss of a person. In the period of the acute stage of grief, the mourner is usually not able to think about his own prospects, he can only feel pain and loss in the present.
The search for the positive in death is a bad form. One should always avoid such expressions of words of comfort. The phrases of the type “he will be better off there, he was exhausted, ” “even though his father remained alive”, “you still have other children after all” can have exactly the opposite effect - cause sincere rejection and aggression from a grieving person. The second aspect is that such phrases can cause resentment towards the deceased, who, unlike the grieving one, no longer suffers. In the future, such thoughts can lead to a full complex of guilt for the grieving person.
Other unacceptable phrases when pronouncing words of comfort
Some say "accept the most sincere condolences" and add later that they understand what it is now for the mourner. Such phrases usually sound like this: "I understand and know how hard it is for you now." As a rule, this is not true and in some cases can even offend a grieving person. It is much more appropriate to say something like "I can only guess how bad you are."
Questions about the incident, clarification of the details and details of the death immediately after the condolences are extremely inappropriate. The grieving person himself will tell everything when he is ready for this. Talking about one’s own difficulties and problems makes no sense and is absolutely uncivil for a grieving person.
